Facing Transition

When Home is Far Away

By Jessica Bridges

Our three months in Costa Rica have been the hardest in my life. We were prepared for mild culture shock, but I had no idea just how hard those things would be. In the States we had many international friends, we loved almost any kind of food and we were ready to embrace life outside of the USA. Ha! Well, we are here, and we have never felt so American. The preparation for missions was easy, but actually doing it has been an entirely different experience. The loneliness, the feelings of complete failure, the desire to go home and the stress on our marriage have been overwhelming at times.

For the first two months I fought tears every day. I began to feel angry toward Africa. I had to blame something, and this continent was the easiest target. If only they spoke English in Equatorial Guinea! The voice of the enemy told me many things, most of them crazy. Subtle whispers reached my mind: “Just get a divorce; you’ll never make it in Africa; how can you be a missionary when your family is so messed up?”

Finding time to fulfill all my roles—wife, mommy, student, missionary—and dealing with all of these feelings of grief has put me under tremendous pressure. The whole process of living in another culture is like death. I’ve lost everything that has made me feel valuable and competent. I am trying to be who I am in a culture that makes me feel totally inadequate.

The people I love are sharing life together, while I am forced to the side, only to hear about most things days after they happen. I can only be a part of things by long-distance. Transition sounded so easy when we talked about it in orientation. Verses like Galatians 2:20 that speak of sacrifice and surrender have taken on a much deeper meaning as I have read them through tears and a deep ache in my heart. Can I really spend my life on a different continent from those I love?

Over the last two months Todd and I really turned inward. We allowed the enemy to make us feel isolated. We called friends in moments of desperation, and their voices were a source of comfort and strength. We are so thankful for such loving support and such fervent prayers.

Missionaries are not more spiritual than others, nor do we have powers that make us invincible. We are just people who love Jesus and want to be obedient to the plans God has for us. You don’t have to be in another country to do that, or to go through the things we have experienced. The enemy would like to keep us all down and defeated. He wants us to believe we are alone and too messed up to do anything for God. That is such a lie. Even in our pain or suffering, we can strengthen others through Christ. We can all reach out and show the love of Jesus.

I have shared this with a hint of excitement, not because I am looking forward to the coming culture, country or any of its challenges. I simply want to obey Jesus. I want to live this life in the light of eternity, and I want to have a life that pleases Him. The enemy wanted me to believe that I was the only one feeling this way, but God has opened my eyes to the truth.

I have learned something very important. I thought I already knew it, but I did not. I cannot be a missionary, I cannot be a good mother or wife, and most importantly, I can simply not be the person Jesus calls me to be in my own strength. It took complete and utter despair and darkness for me to begin to see the beacon of light in the midst of all my clouds. Today, I am through the storm. But this may be my life’s journey with many more extreme transitions. In my own strength I am sure to fall, but I am thankful I do not have to live in that strength.

Jessica and her family are now in Equatorial Guinea, West Africa.

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